Dumbo!

Do you ever have the feeling an elephant is sitting on your chest? I mean, that you have so much on your mind at times that you cant breathe. You know, those moments that you catch yourself driving in the car and your mind is so distracted that you think to yourself when you pull into the driveway, "I dont even remember the drive home." Well that is how I feel right now. There are things going on in my life that have me so tied up at the moment. Things that I am constantly trying to work out in my brain, but dont feel like I am getting anywhere. And lucky you, my faithful blog readers...all two of you...get to hear about it. Here are questions that I am trying to answer:
Why is marriage so hard at times?
Why do you feel like you are fighting to make it survive?
Why cant I feel MORE guided by God?
Why do I feel like I am floating thru life right now, not knowing what I really am supposed to do?
Why when I feel like I have made a good decision about a "life change" do I feel like I have anxiety?
Why is it Christmas and I feel like scrooge?

Things right now just dont feel easy in my life. So much seems forced. So much seems confusing. I feel pulled. I feel like I want to crawl into bed and sleep it off. Maybe it is "tired", maybe it is the need to have a moment to breathe. I feel like since I have had her life is a whirlwind, no slow time, no down time, no time to breathe and enjoy being home with my family, with my husband. I feel like I havent seen just him in so long. My soul constantly feels stirred. I know I am not close enough to God as I need to be right now, but I dont know what to do to get closer, feel closer, feel on fire. I feel like people watch me right now and think..."whats wrong with her." People have told me recently I am not the same "K" as I was, and my response to that is...YOURE RIGHT! I am not, I dont feel like the same, happy, smiley, joyful her. I am this other person, this serious, thought envoked, distracted, busy person who doesnt feel like "talking" or being close to people. Its like at times I dont even want to smile. I just walk like a zombie right now. I feel like a zombie right now. I am beyond confused about this. Why cant I feel happy, why cant I feel complete, fulfilled, "un" angry? I know that there are people who are worrying about bigger things. People who are sick, people who are dying, and are hurting for actual good reasons not just because they are a big baby like me. But I miss my joy, I miss feeling happy, I miss feeling complete, I miss me...the old me that found happiness in my family, my husband and baby, my job, my firends. Now I have trouble finding that, feeling that, wanting to feel that. I just feel like a big elephant is on my chest...GET OFF DUMBO!!